My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
