i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
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