I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
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