her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
