the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
