Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize