genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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