She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
