If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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