she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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