Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
