I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
