If that was your dad, he is hot
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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