I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
