New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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