I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
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