The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
