im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
