I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Randomize
