Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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