She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
