Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
