Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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