it hurts more in the daytime
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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