i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
