WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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