currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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