there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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