I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
