someone get that fucking seahorse.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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