I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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