I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Randomize
