so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
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