So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
