My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
