Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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