Three words: puerto rican gang bang
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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