one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
If I die, sorry about rent.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
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