It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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