I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
