My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
