actually, I'm a sock model
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
