I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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