quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Boobs speak an international language.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
