Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Randomize
