Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
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