Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize
