There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
