false alarm. still invincible.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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