I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
