This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Randomize
