thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Who died my cat blue again?
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
