I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
What a dumb baby whore.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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