Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
