He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
