smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
