she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
BRING THE BAGELS
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
