apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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