we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
