insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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