just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
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