i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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