my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize