I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
May the power of my ass compel you!!
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
dude. I can hear the air.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
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