Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
In America we eat man semen.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Randomize
