Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
