I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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