Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I think my moral compass just broke
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