How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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